Tags, Balls, Brews, and Stew: Happy St. Patrick's Day!

This St. Patrick’s Day was definitely a memorable one, and the memories have nothing to do with green beer, drunkenness, cabbage, or shamrocks. This past Saturday, the family got together to tag and/or band calves at Innisfree farm, where my older brother and sister-in-law raise pastured beef cattle, beautiful chickens for eating and eggs, and goats. 

If you have never slogged through shin-deep cow shit trying to wrangle wayward and completely uncooperative calves, my friends you have not lived.  I’m sure the scene was every bit as ridiculous as it sounds, and I am thankful no one bothered to record our pathetic efforts.  Trust me, you will never feel more inadequate as a biped with feet and toes than while chasing a hoofed hairy beast around the perimeter of a barnyard.  Humph.  Eventually, though, our shenanigans wore him down and he trotted into the barn with little intervention.  Whatever.  You are hamburger to me anyway.

By using our far superior (?) brain power, we were finally able to corral all the calves into two pens in the barn.  Outside, the mama cows hollered in protest, seriously pissed off with the new arrangements.  If there were ever a bovine spin-off of Springer (awesome Far-Side, if you ask me), I imagine the set would sound much like these cows, a bunch of baby mama drama, bitches hollerin’  and carryin’ on.  Hehehe. 

So now, let the fun begin!  You remember those choose-your-own-adventure books from grade school?  (Man, I loved those books.  I think I checked out every one from our library!)  Sweet, now follow me:

You have a pen full of calves.  If you choose a bull, turn to page 15.  If you have a heifer, turn to page 21.  If you do not yet know the sex of your calf, continue reading, then choose a page.

Lift the tail of the calf.  If you see balls, you have a male.  If there are no balls, you have a female.  If you do not know what balls look like, um, Google bull balls.  You’ve been warned.

Page 15:

If the bull calf is large, continue your adventure on this page.  If the bull is small, turn to page 30.

Release large bull calf out of pen and into “O.R.” pen, taking care to warn family members of incoming large beast.  Corral calf into stanchion, preferably head first (If not head first, you will have to get him turned around, a very entertaining task indeed!), dropping the Gate of No Return behind him.  Have someone strong and competitive (in this case my younger brother) thread two large heavy bars through the slats of the stanchion, progressively boxing in the calf so he cannot move (Think foosball!).  Make sure head brace is firmly locked around calf’s head.  Further immobilize calf with cargo straps.  Determine size of bull’s balls to determine size of banding castrator needed (I really think you should name them Denny, like the Eliminator or something else intimidating and scaring sounding!).  Attach band to castrator, have someone tall reach over and hold up tail (again my younger brother, but I did this part too), and um, band away, praying that the band doesn’t break and you’ve chosen the right size (They band instead of cutting to avoid infection).

Once banding is complete, move to front of animal, wait on your sister to produce properly labeled ear tag, and give him some jewelry, just like at Clare’ s .  Release him outside (where my husband and other S-I-L were waiting to guide him along) to his bellering mama, where he can complain and eat. 

Page 30:

Release small bull calf out of pen and into “O.R.” pen, taking care to warn family members of incoming small beast.  Corral calf into stanchion, preferably head first (If not head first, you will have to get him turned around, a very entertaining task indeed!), dropping the Gate of No Return behind him.  Have someone strong and competitive (in this case my younger brother) thread two large heavy bars through the slats of the stanchion, progressively boxing in the calf so he cannot move (Think foosball!).  The head brace will be too large to secure the head, so attach a horse lead around the calf and have another family member (myself or my S-I-L) pull and hold lead securely around the gate of the pen.  Further immobilize calf with cargo straps.  Determine size of bull’s balls to determine size of banding castrator needed (I really think you should name them Denny, like the Eliminator or something else intimidating and scaring sounding!).  Attach band to castrator, have someone tall reach over and hold up tail (again my younger brother, but I did this part too), and um, band away, praying that the band doesn’t break and you’ve chosen the right size (They band instead of cutting to avoid infection).

Once banding is complete, move to front of animal, wait on your sister and/or S-I-L  to produce properly labeled ear tag, and give him some jewelry, just like at Clare’ s .  Release him outside (where my husband and other S-I-L were waiting to guide him along) to his bellering mama, where he can complain and eat. 

*NOTE: Very young bulls are too young to band.  You will need to wait a few months and then repeat this whole happy process then.

Proceed to end of story.

Page 21:

Congratulations!  You have a girl!  No banding needed!  They will give you attitude though, so don’t think you got off scot-free. 

Release heifer out of pen and into “O.R.” pen, taking care to warn family members of incoming beast.  Corral calf into stanchion, preferably head first (If not head first, you will have to get her turned around, a very entertaining task indeed!), dropping the Gate of No Return behind her.  Have someone strong and competitive (in this case my younger brother) thread two large heavy bars through the slats of the stanchion, progressively boxing in the calf so she cannot move (Think foosball!).    If the calf is large, secure head in head brace, making sure it is securely locked.  If calf is small, secure head with a horse lead, pulled tight around the gate of the pen and held by another family member (myself or my S-I-L).  Wait ever so patiently on sister for properly labeled ear tag, and give her some new jewelry, just like Clare’s.

Release her outside (where my husband and other S-I-L were waiting to guide her along) to her bellering mama, where she can complain and eat. 

Proceed to end of story.

End of story:

Do this about 16 times, so you are good and tired, sweaty, and very dirty.  Keep yourself going with thoughts of juicy hamburgers and grilled steaks.  Have small family members (my daughter) keep you hydrated.

Huzzah!  You are done (for today)!  Spray off, drink a Guinness, and eat some stew.  Happy St. Patty’s Day!

A Sort of Irish Stew

Serves 6-8

• 2 lbs. stewing lamb, cut into roughly 1-inch pieces
• coarse salt and freshly ground black pepper
• 2 large sprigs’ worth fresh rosemary
• extra virgin olive oil
• 1 cooking onion, peeled and roughly chopped
• 3 carrots, roughly chopped
• 2 lbs waxy fingerling potatoes, cut in half if large
• ½ c pearl barley
• 1 ½ c Guinness, or other Irish stout
• 4 c homemade or good quality beef or chicken stock
• 5 or 6 Irish bangers, cut into thirds

Preheat oven to 350°.  Thoroughly dry lamb pieces and season with salt and pepper.  Heat a heavy bottomed pot (I use my Dutch oven) over medium high heat, and swirl in olive oil, enough to cover bottom of pot.  When oil is hot, brown lamb pieces on 2 sides until they are very nicely browned (Don’t be impatient; let them get some really nice color.).  Work in batches to avoid overcrowding the pan.  Put lamb on a plate and set aside.

Turn heat down to medium, swirl in some more oil, and add onions and carrots.  Cook until softened.  Add lamb, potatoes, rosemary, barley, beer, and stock.  Bring to a boil.  Turn off heat and nestle sausage pieces into top of stew.  Cover and cook in oven until lamb is soft, about 1 hour.

*This stew tastes even better when made a day ahead!

Remove stew from oven and season to taste with coarse salt and pepper.  I served this with Irish brown bread, soda bread, and salted butter.  Wash it all down with your favorite Irish brew!  Happy St. Patrick’s Day!